As current inhabitants of this present world, you have probably found yourself thinking “Should I or shouldn’t I?” in response to an invariably eloquent request for photos of your more scandalous parts. There are a thousand reasons for considering it: your boobs are spectacular; you are flattered (and maybe even turned on) by the request; you’ve always wanted to try it.
Those are beautiful and valiant reasons, but I am here to tell you that all boobs are spectacular (to someone), being jerking fodder is not (always) flattering and just because all of the other hoes are dangling their boobies off a bridge, doesn’t mean you have to.
Still with me? Awesome. Now. let me explain how you wonderful, unique and perfect ladies can stimulate the man while keeping your privates private.
How to Sext Like a Mature Adult
Ladies, we are nothing if not respectable, but we have all been down this road long enough to have heard the adage, “If you don’t give it to him, he will find someone who will” and I hate to say it, but it is a terrible sentiment that is very often true. If your man is out looking to score some poorly-lit photos of floppy boobies, he will find them.
Heck, your grandma mistaking the Google search bar for a form to email the Pope could pull up boobies. It is remotely flattering that he has asked you for yours first, but rest assured, he is nowhere near crawling across an arid and boob-less tundra.
Here are a few Dos and Don’ts for those adventurous souls out there looking to score some hot, hot text.
Absolutely DO NOT bust out your camera phone at first request. First of all, because you might accidentally post them to Instagram and your grandma has hardly recovered from that whole pope debacle yet. Secondly, you could hurt yourself. The camera angles required to achieve even the most basic of boudoir shots are master yoga moves at best.
Use your words- those random syllables that float constantly from your mouth. You could close your eyes and imagine (even vaguely) a few scenarios between you and him (or you and “random stranger” or you and the pizza guy…) I know you can. We are sexual creatures at heart with an endless supply of words. This is an advantage, I promise.
Instead of sitting down and rattling off a list of reasons why you can’t shoot a candid nipple-shot from your office chair, tell him what you would do if you could. Would you pull the crisp white shirt off over your head and toss it at your boss’s head, unhook your bra and go crazy? Very few of you actually would, but he doesn’t necessarily want you to be that girl, just willing to pretend from time to time.
Try not to judge- Naked photo requests are usually sent out because he (or the friend who swiped his phone) wants to know if you are the kind of woman who will do it. He knows as much of you as you’ve allowed him to and for most of us it takes a good year to get down to the scary layers of our onion-psyches, so there is a good chance you still go out of your way not to poop in front each other let alone the sex talk.
A woman sees a man and wonders what kind of father he would be, a man sees a woman and wonders what she looks like naked. If he is suddenly caught in the throes of bone-sickness and begging you for a cure, give him one. Tell him exactly what your body looks like naked… in a bubble bath with a cold bottle of beer.
Be sexy, but be careful. How long you and Mr. Texty have known one another should guide your conversation in a more general direction. If you think of him in more of a “Mostly Benefits” kind of way, but you trust him not to copy your conversation in letters cut out from magazines and send it to your dad, feel free to do a little role playing. Does he have a favorite show?
Does he like a type of car an unhealthy amount? The object here is to do him a favor. He asked you for a hand, give him one. Writing out a dialogue about Pokemon Trainer Misty asking Ash if he could heal her like one of his Fire-types is less likely to bring about sender’s remorse than giving in and stripping down.
Use his enthusiasm- If you have been an item for a while and you are pretty serious, consider making a night of it. A little planning and a bottle of wine could make for some pretty creative photos, and they would be your photos together. He would look at them and remember how you felt, what you smelled like, how amazing you are, instead of looking at a snapshot of blurry skin you took on the bus real quick.
At the end of the day, your body is your business and if you want to send close-ups of your new crotch-less underpants out as your Christmas card photo, go for it. The moral of this story, however, is that you are worth so much more than the sum of your parts.
One day you will find the one person who sets your heart on fire, and there is a decent chance that your decision to hand out naked photos like party favors might come back to haunt you. And not because everyone wants to compliment you on how awesome your boobs look.